Ankiel control problems not entirely behind him

ST. LOUIS, MO — Rick Ankiel’s return to the majors has been the most inspirational storyline of the 2007 baseball season, but the plot isn’t without its bumpy spots. Ankiel’s professional pitching career fell apart when he started having serious problems controlling his pitch locations – now a new control problem is threatening to put him back into retirement.

“He’s shitting all over the place,” new Busch Stadium Grounds Crew Chief Arnie Bickerstaff told SSNN. “It’s like feeding a sick dog a bunch of chili, and having me run around after it with a plastic bag.”

Ankiel moved up through the minors as a power-hitting outfielder. After breaking back into the majors, he has seen his role on the Cardinals gradually pared back to that of a designated hitter in response to result of his affliction, and as such has essentially been relegated to pinch-hitting responsibilities.

“We can’t put ‘StAnkiel’ back in the outfield,” said Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa, who has seen half innings lasting up to thirty minutes this season with the floundering Cardinals pitching staff. “He would never last through one of our long innings.”

Bickerstaff had previously installed a Port-O-John just over the outfield wall, but there was no way to regulate the use of Ankiel’s portable commode.

“For anyone who sits in the first ten rows of the outfield bleachers, Ankiel’s crapper is closer than the nearest restroom (located 40 rows up). That thing is usually full by the third inning,” Bickerstaff lamented.

Lines were seen outside of the outfield port-a-potty during the last few homestands.

“There is no way to get a pumper truck back there to service his crapper without ripping out a section of the outfield wall,” Bickerstaff said. “That would take at least 45 minutes.”

Ankiel was also fitted with extra strength adult diapers, but “they don’t fit well under baseball pants,” the 27-year-old complained. “They make my ass look like it belongs to some fat chick – like some of those chicks (Pedro) Guerrero used to bang on the road.”

Unless new advances in bowel control technology arrive sooner than anticipated, Ankiel’s return to the big leagues may crap out.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!