Zambrano asks Cubs for BlackBerry

CHICAGO, IL — Citing a desire to “increase his productivity and further represent the interests of the organization,” Carlos Zambrano has sent the Cubs a written request for a BlackBerry 8703 Personal Data Assistant.

Generally, players negotiate small perks into their contracts, often asking for round-trip plane tickets for their families or luxury boxes at local events. However, Zambrano – who signed a long-term contract extension mere hours before this request – does not want his BlackBerry treated as a contract perk, but rather as a business expense for the organization.

“In the modern, high-tech world, people need to be lean. As a pitcher for a major league team, I’m no exception,” said Zambrano. “I want to be able to check email at all times, but not just that. I want to be able to respond to reporters whenever they contact me. I want to be able to negotiate trades on behalf of the organization. I want to do Washington Post crosswords from the dugout. I want to help the team find flights and restaurants and the occasional off-Broadway play. There is just so much more that I could do – if I had a BlackBerry, that is. Without it I’m basically useless.”

Of the 123 front office officials in the Cubs organization, only 37 have BlackBerrys, according to the latest reports from the team. Apparently there is a strong BlackBerry culture within Wrigley Field, and the importance of the device is not lost on team officials.

“Look, I didn’t get mine ’till I became GM,” said General Manager Jim Hendry. “Lou [Piniella] doesn’t have one. None of the players have them, except Ramirez and he never even turns it on. So I’m not really sure that we’re going to get Carlos one right away. Maybe A-Ram will give him his.”

Nevertheless, Zambrano is determined to get one. “I am on a quest 2B a complete baseball player,” Zambrano wrote in an email response. “I want 2B the best pitcher in the league. I want 2B the best fielding and hitting pitcher in the league. And I want 2B the most accessible, technologically adept player on this team. TTFN.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!