Zambrano announces intent to kill second lion

CHICAGO, IL — Carlos Zambrano announced to teammates Tuesday that he has booked a safari to Africa, where he plans to “kill another lion.”

Zambrano, the emotional pitcher who just signed a $91 million deal, will be travelling to Tanzania, Swaziland and Botswana toward the end of October. His departure coincides with game five of the World Series.

“I told Lou [Piniella] and Jim [Hendry, Cubs GM] that this is something I have to do,” Zambrano said. “I must kill another lion. If they need me to fly back to pitch in the World Series, I told them that I’d do it. But the way I see it, if I start games one and four, we should win in six at the most. So really it should be all good.”

Several members of the Cubs were privately incredulous at Zambrano’s announcement. “The implication is clearly that he has already killed a lion,” Ryan Theriot said. “When? I’m not sure. He’s not even sure. He says it was when he was 15, and that he did it with his bare hands.”

When pressed, Zambrano claimed that the lion kill took place in the jungles of Venezuela, when he was “a kid.” When informed that lions aren’t indigenous to Central America, he replied, “I don’t know, maybe it escaped from a zoo.”

While most Cubs questioned the veracity of Zambrano’s statement, “I believe him,” said third baseman Aramis Ramirez. “After all, I have killed a couple of lions myself.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!