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Steven Jackson wins Nobel Peace Prize

OSLO, NORWAY — Winning a Nobel Prize is widely considered the ultimate achievement in each of the areas for which they are awarded: Physics, Chemistry, Literature, Peace, Physiology and Medicine.

Each candidate is carefully evaluated over time based on the breadth and width of their work in their respective field. In light of this rigorous selection process, it was not a surprise that the recent decision to award St. Louis Rams’ running back Steven Jackson the Nobel Peace Prize has equally outraged and perplexed the World Peace community.

Having no body of work to evaluate, Jackson’s selection is questionable at best. He has only attended two charitable functions in his life: both NFL-sponsored United Way events. In fact, not only is there no record of any activity promoting the ideal of world peace, but he was once cited for disturbing the peace in Corvallis, Oregon, the home of his alma mater Oregon State University. His only professional accomplishments to date come from his relatively short tenure as a professional football player.

Recent rumors of an ulterior motive – in conjunction with the highly questionable method by which the selection was made – have many calling for an investigation. In an unprecedented move, Secretary to the Norwegian Nobel Committee and Director of the Nobel Institute Professor Geir Lundestad bypassed the traditional group discussion and vote, taking it upon himself to make the decision alone due to “irreconcilable differences among the voting committee members.”

Furthermore, in an essay released with the announcement of the award, Lundestad justified his choice by writing that, “…Mr. Jackson’s performance throughout the 2006 season was sublime, amassing 1,528 rushing yards resulting in 13 touchdowns, along with 90 receptions yielding an additional 806 yards and 3 touchdowns. His inspired play should give any person blessed with the number one pick in this year’s fantasy football draft the confidence and, more importantly, the inner peace to select this young man number one overall.”

Throughout the long and distinguished history of the Nobel Prize, not once has the Director of the Nobel Institute referenced fantasy sports in the description of the winner’s accomplishments. After minutes of hard work, SSNN’s crack investigative reporting team unearthed a wealth of circumstantial evidence that lends credibility to those who question Lundestad’s recent actions.

After interviewing a number of people close to the current Secretary-Director, and looking up his profile on Yahoo’s fantasy sports page, SSNN has learned that Lundestad is a fantasy sports junkie who will go to great lengths in attempts to inflate or deflate the value of players he is committed to drafting. These ethically questionable tactics, however, have apparently yielded impressive results: three fantasy football championships for team “69YardSchlong,” two fantasy basketball championships for team “DunkinDohNutz69″ and one fantasy baseball championship for team “.069BaseOnBallzPerCentEdge.”

This year, Lundestad entered a team in a random ESPN fantasy football league and was assigned the number two pick. A diehard LaDanian Tomlinson fan, Lundestad immediately started working on the holder of the number on pick, Tom McFarlane of Brighton, MA. His goal was simple: convince McFarlane that Steven Jackson was the better number one pick.

“The day after we got our draft position, I get this fake news report emailed to me talking about LT breaking his leg in a freak roller skating accident or something. I Googled it and didn’t find anything, so I just dismissed it as weird. Then I get this phone call from a guy whispering with a thick foreign accent, asking me if I love my family and, if I do, to make sure LT is there for the number two pick. It wasn’t scary, just kind of weird.”

This latest attempt to manipulate a fantasy draft is not Lundestad’s first. Before his MLB fantasy draft in 2005, he told everyone within earshot that Alex Rodriguez had contracted HIV and that All-Star catcher Paul Lo Duca was having hemorrhoid surgery and would be sidelined for at least six months. Lundestad drafted both players in the early rounds, citing an insatiable appetite for risk. Both rumors turned out to be false.

Before his 2006 NBA fantasy draft, Lundestad forwarded a fabricated USA Today article stating that not only was Tony Parker gay, but he was moving back to France where being gay, “…is like the national pastime.” The article went on to say that Parker’s engagement to actress Eva Longoria was a front to hide the truth, similar to Tom Cruise’s arrangement with Katie Holmes.

Despite the controversy and pending appeal, the award remains Jackson’s. When asked what he would do with the SEK 10,000,000 prize (approximately $1.5 million) should it stand, Jackson stated that he was going to “pimp my ride,” and that he had always wanted to install a stripper pole in his basement “man-room.”

Lundestad was not able to be reached for comment, but Norwegian Nobel Committee member – and driving force behind the call for appeal – Inger-Marie Ytterhorn was incredulous.

“Mahatma Gandhi never won the Nobel Peace Prize, and this f@%king guy does? I guess he should have worked a little harder on his curveball.”

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Labels: fantasy football, Gandhi, Geir Lundestad, LaDainian Tomlinson, NFL, Nobel Peace Prize, Oregon State Beavers, St. Louis Rams, Steven Jackson

Posted on August 29th, 2007

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Other Related News Items

Scott Boras’s fantasy team in seventh place (August 19, 2007)
Spencer from The Hills makes anti-fantasy football comments, solidifies title as ‘biggest douche ever’ (November 5, 2007)
Jerry Angelo spotted buying USA Sports Weekly at 7-11 (April 26, 2008)
Texans trying to gauge fans’ wants (April 9, 2007)

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