Pilgrims flock to see Virgin Mary on Rasheed Wallace’s head

DETROIT, MI — Workouts at The Palace at Auburn Hills are jam-packed, the roads leading in and out of Detroit are congested, and airports as far away as Chicago are totally overwhelmed. The reason? A visage of the Virgin Mary has been discovered on Rasheed Wallace’s head.

What was long dismissed as a simple birthmark has been reclassified as a sign from God – a living testament to the fact that Catholicism is alive and well.

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“I walked outside this morning and there were 200 people on my lawn,” Wallace said. “I went to the gym yesterday and there were 40 people holding a vigil outside while I was on the stairmaster. Yesterday someone dripped candlewax on my BMW, which really pissed me off. I didn’t ask for this.”

“Dios mio,” said Juanita Ramirez, 54, of Tegucigalpa, Honduras, who made her first trek to the United States to see Wallace in Detroit. “Es la madonna en su cabeza. No se quien es, pero estoy seguro que el es el hombre mas simpatico en todo el mundo.”

Wallace is considering shaving his head entirely to get the Virgin Mary to go away, but he has also considered a scenario whereby he would don a stocking hat during games. This plan is currently under consideration by David Stern.

In the meantime, Wallace is going about his business, with a new entourage of several hundred worshippers. “You think you’ve seen it all, and then this,” Wallace said. “The world is a sad and beautiful place.”