New sports editor doesn’t know who Gookie Dawkins is

MOLINE, IL — The newsroom of the Moline Register was rocked Thursday when it came to light that new sports editor Pat Jolshey did not know who Gookie Dawkins is.

The incident began at 2 pm, when the sports department gathers and reviews the day’s press releases. According to one reporter from the department, who asked to remain nameless, the third story was a report that the Quad City River Bandits had Dawkins in for a tryout.

“Pat goes, ‘Who?’” the source relayed. “We just all sort of looked over in shock. It was like one of those moments when everything goes quiet.”

According to the source, Jolshey, who was on his second day on the job, tried to pretend he was joking, even saying something like “Of course I know who Mookie Hawkins is. Ha ha.” But the reporters weren’t buying it, and the Register now has a revolt on its hands.

“Every day I take out my tape recorder and reporter’s notepad, I am going out to war,” said John Rodriguez, who covers the Moline Lady Pirates district champion field hockey squad for the paper. “I am a soldier. And I need a general to lead me into battle, not some impostor who doesn’t even know who Gookie Dawkins is.”

Even the paper’s brass got wind of the situation, as managing editor Michael O’Connell was faced with a bevy of hastily typed emails to his anonymousstaffquestions@molineregister.com email address. “At first I sort of didn’t care,” O’Connell told SSNN. “Then I was like, hey, what do I pay this dude for, if not to know useless crap and deal with the dorks in the back of the room?”

For his part, Jolshey stepped up and took responsibility. “My actions are inexcusable and embarrassing,” he read from a prepared statement in a tearful address to his staff late Wednesday. “I feel sorry for the shame I have brought upon myself, my family, and my new employer. I take solace in the fact that tomorrow will be a new day, with a bright sun, shining with hope, and opportunity renewed.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!