Millen admits knowledge of affair has saved his job

DETROIT, MI — With their pre-season debut approaching and a positive new outlook around Lions’ training camp, President and CEO Matt Millen chose a strange time to expose himself as an extortionist imbecile. When the SSNN office phone rang and the caller professed to be Millen, a staff writer hung up on him – understandably given the quantity of prank calls we receive. But Millen was incessant, and after confirming his identity explained how he’s held on to his front office position in Detroit through six losing seasons.

“I’m not going to name any names, but I have photos,” Millen told SSNN. “Let’s just say there’s a high-ranking Lions’ official who’s been dining away from home, if you know what I mean… I mean he’s been cheating on his wife. Or at least he was in 2000 when I took the pictures.”

According to Millen, he acquired the photographs during the 2000 season – when he was working in the television booth for Fox – and used them to get the Lions’ job in the first place. Since he was handed the reigns to the franchise (after a 9-7 2000 season that had many Detroit fans expecting a bright future) Millen has effectively run it straight into the ground. During his six-year tenure, the team has never won more than six games and three times finished with three wins or less; Millen is on his fourth head coach (if you include Dick Jauron, who only held the position for part of a season) and has presided over carousels at virtually every important position.

“And I was smart, see – I made them name me President and CEO, not just GM. At this point, we could go lose to New Hampshire College and I’d keep my job,” an audibly smug Millen said. “They gave me a five-year extension just for going 6-10 – talk about low expectations. As long as I keep those pictures safe, I’m golden, baby.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!