Local vendor union announces personnel changes

CHICAGO, IL — Chicagoland sports fans will be seeing some new faces at local sporting events come September 1. The local Chapter 113 of the Brotherhood of Athletic Retail Food (BARF) met at the Thompson Center last week to announce some union restructuring, and make public the list of promotions for 2007.

Steven Sickly, the president of BARF, also served as the keynote speaker for the event.

“I think Chicagoland sports fans are the real winners that emerge from a conference like this. After all, BARF wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for our loyal fans consuming BARF products at their favorite sporting events,” Mr. Sickly told the audience.

Mr. Sickly also spoke about the reorganization efforts that are currently being undertaken by BARF – “We have been working on modernizing our seniority structure here at BARF. The old hierarchy didn’t allow over-performers to move up the ranks quickly. Promotions were only based upon years of service.

“In the past, this ‘classification based on experience’ gave patrons limited options as far as which vendors they wanted to interact with. For example, if a patron at a ballgame wants to buy a beer, he or she only had the option to buy beer from our most experienced staffers – typically grizzled invalids who (a) are slow with change; (b) can only carry a six pack with them at any given time; and (c) never served anyone higher than three rows up from the field. In this new system, we will relegate our senior staff to cotton candy and foam finger duty, and leave the heavy lifting to more qualified personnel.”

Among those promoted at BARF were Frank Freezer, promoted from roving Lemon Chill sales to booth Hot Chocolate sales for the Bears games at Soldier Field; Carrie Cheddar, from her vendor role in the Licorice Ropes division for the Gary Railcats to director of Nachos and Other Cheesed Items at Silver Cross Field for the Joliet Jackhammers of the Northern league; and Fozzie Nealon, who was promoted from his Crew Chief position of Beer Sales at U.S. Cellular Field to director of Urinal Cake Deployment at Wrigley Field.

Those demoted or terminated at BARF include Wrigley Field vendor Greg Grebel, who was demoted to frosted malt sales from peanut sales after his completion rate from distances greater than five rows fell to below 50%. Mr. Grebel’s demotion came as no surprise, after last month’s errant throw hit manager Lou Piniella on his way to home plate to argue a called third strike.

The Marketing Director of food sales at the United Center, Tim Dameron, has also been terminated. This move came on the heels of last winter’s soup debacle during a Bulls-Cavaliers game. In order to market to the large number of LeBron James fans in attendance, Tim introduced three new “Cleveland Steamer” soups. Unfortunately for Dameron, not a single bowl was sold.

“Evidently the term ‘Cleveland Steamer’ is some type of urban slang for a sex move involving defecation. I was obviously unaware of this,” Tim admitted to SSNN.

All personnel changes will take effect on September 1.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!