Local sportscaster’s absurd prediction made boldly

NEW YORK, NY — While co-hosting the 1-4 PM EST time slot on ESPN radio – formerly held by Dan Patrick – New York Yankees announcer Michael Kay made an absurd prediction this afternoon.

Spouting off wildly about the Yankees playoff hopes, he predicted that by the end of the season former pitcher Hideki Irabu will become the next Rick Ankiel. According to Kay, Irabu will make it back to the Yankees as an outfielder and hit a minimum of 10 home runs in the month of September.

Despite the fact that Irabu has never had an official at-bat in either Major League Baseball or any Japanese professional league, the way Kay made the prediction left very little doubt in his listeners’ minds that what he said would indeed come true.

Kay uses this handy technique often to manufacture the confidence he needs to convince his listeners of his most recent falsehood and, on a broader scale, justify holding the position of sports radio host in the first place. His recipe is simple: volume, carefully placed emphasis, and wild gesticulation. These three ingredients – the visual provided via simulcast on the YES network – lend credibility to his fantastic views.

“At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what I say, only how I say it. I could tell you that Derek Jeter will be elected President of the United States, as long as I say it with absolute conviction and then shout down all of the nay-saying callers that try to bring reason into the conversation. It also doesn’t hurt that most Yankee fans would believe that anyway.”

Kay’s penchant for outlandish predictions is well documented. In November of 2004, Kay claimed to have a source tying Boston Red Sox owner John Henry to both Al Queda and the collapse of Enron. In December of 2005, Kay claimed that Boston Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez was the mastermind behind the New York City transit strike. Most recently, Kay proclaimed that New York Knicks coach and GM Isiah Thomas has a mild case of Down Syndrome, and that this new revelation should lead us to the conclusion that, all things considered, he is doing a pretty good job.

Throughout his career, Kay’s detractors have been clamoring to see the evidence to back his outrageous claims, but he remains defiant.

“It doesn’t matter what’s true and what’s not. This business is about opinions. And I’ve got one for all of you people who criticize the things I say – you’re a bunch of f*%king idiots.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!