LaRussa explains unusual batting order

ST. LOUIS, MO — At a press conference after Monday’s game, Tony LaRussa had a number of interesting things to say. Perhaps most interesting was the insight offered by the Cardinals manager as to why he has been batting his pitchers eighth, rather than the customary ninth.

“More than anything, it’s just something for people to talk about,” LaRussa said. “If I can distract everyone long enough, eventually people will forget about that DUI earlier this year. Oh, and the little fight I got in with Albert Pujols during the All-Star break. And that Scott Rolen and I wouldn’t talk to each other during the playoffs last year. Basically all the red flags that might make people question me – the last thing an administration needs in times of terror is people questioning.”

The future Hall of Fame manager went on for another hour, listing all his baseball sins – from his role in the steroid era and adamant public support for Mark McGwire to his general crabbiness. LaRussa also mentioned that batting the pitcher eighth offers no offensive advantage, but does remind baseball fans how smart he is.

“You know, now that I’ve said all that stuff out loud, I can see why so many people hate me,” he said. “Nah, I’m just kidding. How can anyone hate the greatest manager of all time? Excuse me, I have to go write another excruciatingly boring book.”