Jim Edmonds’ expense reports in bad repair

ST. LOUIS, MO — According to a Cardinals official who spoke to SSNN on the condition of anonymity, center fielder Jim Edmonds’ expense reports are “a fucking mess.”

“It’s really pretty ridiculous,” the official said. “First of all, he expenses everything. He buys a jar of peanuts? Expensed. He gets wireless internet at Starbucks? Expensed. A couple of weeks ago he expensed some new shoelaces and a dozen bananas. His report for this last roadtrip was 14 pages long.”

The problems only begin there. “Most of the guys do the reports on the computer,” the official said. “But Jim does his in pen. Calligraphy pen, actually, because he likes to sign his name. So the reports are obviously covered in ink splotches. And you can forget about seeing a receipt.”

Edmonds is reportedly trying to mend his ways; he’s informed the club that he’s purchased a handy little zippered pouch in which to store his receipts, and he’s switching to a quarter-inch tip on his calligraphy pen, down from the half-inch that he was using.

“I’m keeping the little pouch-thingy in my travel bag at all times, so I never forget to take it on trips,” Edmonds said. “I’m also going to try out the direct deposit option, so they don’t have to cut me a check. I’m going to try it. No committments long-term.”

The team official stated that Edmonds generally turns in his expense reports within six hours of arriving home from a trip – “I’ve never seen him take more than a day to get them filed” – and routinely phones the accounting department two or three times to ask if his check is ready. More disturbing, however, is a series of errors in which Edmonds mistakenly granted himself some extra money while totaling his expenses.

“I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything,” the official said, “but when a guy ‘accidentally’ turns in an expense report that is exactly $40 over what it should be five times in a season, you start to wonder.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!