Holy Cow! Heavenly Caray beats crap out of newcomer Rizzuto

PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN — According to reports from heaven, Phil Rizzuto’s eternity of unadultered joy and unequivocal bliss had to be delayed slightly upon his arrival, as his spirit was beaten and bloodied by that of Harry Caray’s.

Apparently, Caray was furious that Rizzuto also used the quip “Holy Cow,” for which Caray had been known, and had been anxiously awaiting his arrival so he could properly thrash him.

“I was really hoping he would come up here, you know, instead of going down there,” Caray said. “He was a Yankee, after all. Regardless, I bet he wishes he was down there now.”

The fight wasn’t really a fair one, according to reports. Caray – at about 5′11″ and 260 pounds – had Rizzuto by about five inches and 100 pounds. Further unjustifying the bout was the fact that Caray had the added advantage of spending the last few weeks plumping up on heavenly feasts instead of – well, dying.

Heavenly fights among baseball players are not uncommon and are often planned years in advance. Of special note is a planned bout between Lou Gehrig and Cal Ripken, Jr. “I can wait forever for that one,” Gehrig recently said.

Rizzuto, for his part, was not too put off by the experience. “When I got to the show, DiMaggio kicked my ass twice as bad. Same reason, too.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!