Guillen loses temper, scalps Wassermann

CHICAGO, IL — After a heartbreaking ten-inning loss on Wednesday night dropped his team to 57-76, Ozzie Guillen let loose with an expletive-laced tirade at his post-game press conference – one that might be seen as humorous. The scene in the clubhouse afterwards, though, was no laughing matter.

Stoked into a violent rage by his team’s embarrassing performance, Guillen violently attacked rookie bullpen pitcher Ehren Wasserman.

“It was insane, man – maybe the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” recounted Jon Garland. “E-Dub is just chillin’ at his locker and Ozzie comes out of nowhere with a straight razor and just peels the kid’s scalp off. But hey, that’s just Ozzie being Ozzie.”

Wassermann, too, was surprisingly easygoing about the incident, though much of that might be blamed on the morphine drip he seemed to be enjoying in his hospital bed.

“I don’t really get it, because I feel like I’m pitching great,” said Wassermann, who sports a 2.70 ERA after 16.2 innings of work. “I never saw it coming, but that’s what’s great about being in this clubhouse – you never really know what Ozzie is gonna do.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!