Cuban likely to declare war on Rockets

DALLAS, TX — Mark Cuban held a press conference on Monday to announce the Dallas Mavericks “newest acquisition,” but it was quickly established that the team did not have a free agent signing to announce. Instead, Cuban held a meeting of sorts with the media to discuss his own future.

“Look guys, why isn’t anyone talking about me?” the Mavericks owner asked. “So far this year I’ve already fought with my ex-coach, put in an offer for the Cubs and led my team to the greatest meltdown in NBA playoff history. I’ve given you enough to do a story on me every day for the rest of the year.”

Cuban complained for approximately 30 minutes, then worked the room – talking with each reporter about what he can do to get more coverage. In a post-press-conference press conference, Cuban said that he and media members decided that he should become involved in a war.

“It’s ingenious – if Iraq is any indication, there will be ’round the clock coverage of this war, at least for the first year or two,” Cuban said. “I’m not sure who I’m going to declare war on yet, but I’m leaning toward the Rockets. Sure, they have a tough name, but they’re a bunch of wussies.”

Cuban added that there are some teams he absolutely refuses to go to war with.

“One thing I do know is I’m not messing with the Spurs,” he said. “[Tim] Duncan is a master of hand-to-hand combat. He can kill you with his thumbs 517 different ways.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!