Arizona Cardinals’ mascot job not all it’s cracked up to be

GLENDALE, AZ — Standing outside of the storage closet that acts as his dressing room at University of Phoenix Stadium, Arizona Cardinals mascot and local community theater actor Michael Johansen reflected on his role with the team and what life is like trying to excite a packed stadium crowd while dressed in a giant bird suit.

While not entirely ungrateful, Jones’ description of the position fell short of the dream job status he had originally hoped it to be.

“It’s not as cool as I thought, especially in the summers. Training camp is brutal in that giant bird head. If it’s 95 degrees outside, its 115 in that suit – like it’s made out of wool or something. I asked if I could skip camp this year, but apparently Leinart loves it when I pretend to fly up and down the sideline during drills.”

Chugging the first of three 32-ounce Citrus Cooler Gatorades he needs to replenish the vitamins, minerals and liquids lost each day, Johansen went on to point out that life could be worse – he could be homeless, starving, or playing wide receiver for the Oakland Raiders. And as far as jobs go, being a mascot for a professional sports team isn’t so bad, especially for a struggling actor.

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“Right now I’m in a production of Hamlet over at Tokyo Romeo’s Shakespeare Company and Japanese Restaurant, and most of my castmates have respectable day jobs, but a few have made some questionable choices. One girl mans a tip-only glory hole in a shady part of Phoenix. Tip only – some people have no business sense.”

The cautionary tales aren’t restricted to the acting community. Johansen is careful not to fall into the same traps as other mascots around the league. Chicago Bears mascot Bill Pulaski was recently arrested for “Public Defecation While Intoxicated,” according to police reports. An actor himself, the Bears public relations department attempted to explain Pulaski’s actions as taking his method acting a bit too far, resulting in a belief that he actually was a bear. Bears’ Head of PR Mark Stanzione explained, “In his Jim Beam-fueled haze, Bill apparently forgot that bears usually defecate in the woods, not on the front stoop of a local day care center.”

Johansen hears the message loud and clear: don’t take what you have for granted.

“It was just a stupid thing to do, especially when you have one of the best mascot jobs out there. He’s a bear – that’s cool. There’s nothing intimidating or cool about being a huge, red bird. Cardinals eat seeds. It’s not like they have a large beak or frightening, razor sharp talons like an eagle or hawk. Do you know how you get away from a bear? You don’t. It can climb trees, swim and run a hell of a lot faster than you or I can. What’s the worst that can happen with a cardinal? It takes a dump on you or accidentally flies into one of your windows – that’s it.”