Zambrano throttles Theriot for HP7 spoiler

CHICAGO, IL — Ryan Theriot’s afternoon started with an innocent comment about a children’s book and ended with a black eye, a broken nose, and a free trip to the hospital courtesy of Carlos Zambrano.

According to sources within the Cubs organization, Zambrano was sitting at his locker, steadily plowing through Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, when Theriot mentioned to teammate Derrek Lee that he’d heard what happens at the end of the book. Lee had apparently not yet heard, and asked Theriot to explain.

Before Zambrano could let it be known that he was reading the book, Theriot spilled the beans. Carlos stood for a second, momentarily stunned, but his pause quickly turned to rage as he threw himself at Theriot and began to pummel him. It reportedly took three teammates to wrest Zambrano from Theriot.

“I waited YEARS for this,” Zambrano screamed. “There will never be another one! Do you realize that? NEVER!”

Theriot, for his part, apologized profusely for the transgression and told Zambrano that he wished it had never happened. “Look, I had no idea that the dude loved HP that much,” Theriot told SSNN in a phone interview. “No clue. What about that guy makes you think he would love quidditch?”

Theriot went to the hospital to have his nose re-set, but is expected back in the lineup this weekend.

For Zambrano, the incident left him feeling further alienated from a team that he was already having trouble relating to – “Muggles, man. Fucking muggles.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!