WNBA “highlights” reportedly used in terrorist training

WASHINGTON, DC — After months of surveillance and interrogation, the CIA has learned that Al Qaeda is using a highly unorthodox yet effective tool for preparing would-be terrorists in their struggle against the infidels: footage of WNBA games. According to the most recent reports, instructors force trainees to watch up to 24 straight hours of these slow-moving, earth-bound games in an effort frustrate them beyond reason, and to foster hatred towards the “Great Satan” and its “retched, soulless culture.”

“Classrooms of 15 or more would be locked inside of a small room for days with nothing to watch but ‘highlights’ from the past year’s WNBA season,” explained CIA anti-terror expert and undercover Al Qaeda operative Al Seif Yurkewkoo. “The slow pace of the game, sloppy play, and lack of above-the-rim action would whip the trainees into a frenzy. They just can’t understand why anybody would sit through it, let alone pay money to see it. Toward the end of the session, they would reveal clips of Rosie O’Donnell in the stands and the guys would go absolutely ape-shit.”

Early polling data on Americans’ fear of the power of these new tactics has the Department of Homeland Security’s top officials taking notice. In the Washington, D.C. area – the site of the 2007 WNBA All-Star Game – 84% of those polled said that they would support the dissolution of the WNBA, with that figure rising to 100% for all males without daughters. This groundswell of public opinion, combined with credible new threats against the WNBA All-Star Game, has led to a call to action.

“Them bitches be borin’,” stated former street-baller and current D.C. pimp Reginald Wallace. “If I had to watch 24 hours of hoop and not see a single dunk, I’d kill some motherfuckers too. Shut it down, man, and send those hos over to Reggie if they need a job.”

Michael Chertoff, head of the DHS, said the department is in the process of solidifying a recommendation for the President but that, despite the high likelihood of a terror attack on the game, “…we just can’t bring ourselves to raise the terror alert level past blue because of women’s basketball.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!