Wie’s struggles attributable to lack of steroids

HONOLULU, HAWAII — Michelle Wie’s once promising career has hit a stunning roadblock. The cause of her struggles was thought to have been a lingering left wrist injury, but recent developments have led to the discovery that it is her discontinuation of steroid use.

Performance enhancing drugs did not seem to be on the radar in professional golf until recently. This week, former great Gary Player announced that he was aware of steroids in the sport, because a player confided in him about “his” steroid use. In an exclusive interview with SSNN, Player confessed that the aforementioned golfer is actually Michelle Wie.

Wie and Player met last November at the PGA’s Thanksgiving celebration. Player apparently spoke of his admiration for Wie’s talent. According to Player, Wie thanked him and whispered, “I get a little help, if you know what I mean.” Player questioned Wie further, and after an hour or so of denying any wrongdoing she admitted that she had been using anabolic steroids.

“I was stunned,” Player told SSNN in an exclusive interview. “Of course I told her she had to stop immediately or I would go public. She gave me a load of bull about Barry Bonds and there not being a testing program, but I started testing her myself.”

There is no reason to recount all of Wie’s recent struggles, which are well-documented. She knew, however, that the public might be suspicious of her demise; so she quickly devised a phony wrist injury.

“As long as she stayed clean and contributed to my charity foundation, I was gonna keep her secret,” an increasingly agitated Player explained. “But then she ditched a planned appearance to watch some stupid reality show. I started with those general allegations last week – sort of a shot across her bow – but Michelle is too stubborn and immature to apologize. Well, this is her come-upance – I gotcha, bitch!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!