‘Tank’ to become ‘Tits’

PHOENIX, AZ — In a surprising public relations move announced earlier today, Tank Johnson renounced his nickname Tank and announced a new nickname, “Tits – Tits Johnson.”

“I felt Tank had too many negative associations,” said an obviously uplifted Johnson. “I thought a name change would be a step in the right direction. You know, to show NFL teams that I’m a changed man. Why Tits? I can’t think of any negative associations with the word ‘tits.’ I mean, even homosexuals can appreciate a nice pair, right?”

There were reportedly numerous potential nicknames being thrown around Johnson’s camp. A few of these names were leaked to Serious Sports News Network: Pussy, Big Boobs McGee, Will Ferrell, Aladdin, and George.

“I was pushing hard for Big Boobs McGee. Come on, Big Boobs McGee! Who wouldn’t want to hang out with Big Boobs McGee?” said Tits’ agent, Bill Heck. “Ultimately, Tits Johnson sounded better than Big Boobs McGee Johnson; we like to think of Tits as a less wordy version of Big Boobs McGee.”

To his credit, Johnson’s conversion seems to have struck a positive note for the commissioner. According to a statement released by the league office, the nickname change is yet another step back towards the field for the troubled and suspended defensive lineman.

Also during the press conference, Tits announced that he intends to wear number “00″ for whatever team picks him up this season.

“Seriously, two zeros look like a pair of tits.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!