Selig to watch record broken at home in HD

NEW YORK, NY — MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that he will not attend historic slugger Barry Bonds’ record-breaking home run game, but that he will honor the event by soaking in every detail in fabulous HD.

“I care about this game so much that I don’t want to miss a single thing. Any idiot knows that you can’t really see what’s happening when you’re there at the game, and the guy sitting next to me won’t be able to give me the brilliant analysis of someone like Tim McCarver. I simply care too much about this event to be there in person – I must get the full experience by watching it in my home in fabulous high definition.”

According to Selig, his decision has nothing to do with distancing himself and Major League Baseball from the steroid scandal surrounding Bonds. In fact, the Commissioner claims to have treated similar situations in a similar manner, having skipped such historic events as Roger Clemens’ 300^th win and the Philadelphia Phillies 10,000^th loss in order to listen to them on “stupendous” satellite radio.

“I support all baseball accomplishments in my own distant, high-tech way,” Selig assured SSNN. “I just hope that Barry doesn’t get upset and fly into some sort of ‘rage,’ if you know what I mean.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!