Selig staying away from Fourth festivities

DETROIT, MI — It is the time of year for every American to gather and celebrate the Fourth of July, with enough sparklers and hot dogs to satisfy the masses. Baseball is another element that always seems to be apart of the holiday’s landscape, and this year is no exception.

With 15 games scheduled for Wednesday, MLB is ready to present enough action to ensure all the July 4 goodness many have come to expect. The highlight of the day will feature the Cleveland Indians and Detroit Tigers squaring off in a nationally televised game on ESPN.

Festivities at the game are expected to include fireworks and plenty of American flags; just don’t plan on seeing MLB Commissioner Bud Selig in attendance. SSNN has learned that Selig has decided to skip the festivities because of the potential firestorm of criticism that may come his way for celebrating our country’s forefathers – men that, in his eyes, had very troubled pasts.

The signatures that adorn the bottom of the Declaration of Independence are regarded with such esteem that it is hard to understand how Selig could possibly take this position. Unfortunately, Selig is under the impression that the forefathers of this country weren’t the model citizens everyone assumed they were in 1776.

“Look, the American public is jaded about what the people who built this country were up to back in the day,” an un-named source close to Selig said. “Thomas Jefferson had an entire crop of hemp in his backyard, and it’s no secret they handed out opium like it was candy back in the day. The commissioner does not want to be involved in a situation where he’s celebrating men that were involved in the use of performance-modifying drugs. We’re not missing the boat on this one, I can promise you that.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!