Raptors change team name

TORONTO, CANADA — On the heels of a strong improvement last season, the Toronto Raptors have decided to remake their team image. In an attempt to broaden the team’s appeal, they will now be known as the Toronto/Ontario/Alberta/Newfoundland/New Brunswick/British Colombia/Vancouver/Prince Edward Island/Quebec/Montreal/Saskatchewan Fighting Meatballs.

This move is not unprecedented. The Anaheim Angels recently changed their name to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. This change allowed the Angels to gain access to the large Los Angeles market, while maintaining a base in their geographical home, Anaheim.

“Marketing has never been as crucial to running a successful sports franchise as it is today,” said Team President and General Manager Bryan Colangelo in an interview with SSNN. “We need to maximize our fan base, and we felt this name change was the best way to go about it.”

In a search for a new nickname to supplant the stale Raptors, members of the organization went through a long and arduous process. Vice President and Assistant GM Maurizio Gherardini suggested the Meatballs in an ode to his native Italy’s delicacy. The term Fighting was suggested by team Massage Therapist Ray Chow in order to capture the fighting spirit the team displays on the court.

The Fighting Meatballs was one of many candidates up for consideration. Others included the Flying Tomatoes, the Crazy Goats, the Canadian Bacons, and the Hypnotic Wienerschnitzels. In a run-off of the top two vote-getters, the Fighting Meatballs edged out the Hypnotic Wienerschnitzels by a margin of 12 to 11.

The organization hosted a party to celebrate the name change last night. The party was attended by all members of the organization, including players. The main dish was, naturally, spaghetti and meatballs. When Spanish Forward Jorge Garbajosa received his meal, he became visibly upset.

“I would not subject my dog to eat this Italian crap,” announced Garbajosa in a voice loud enough to be heard throughout the room.

The team’s first overall pick from last year, Andrea Bargnani, was not pleased to hear his home nation’s cuisine disrespected. He approached Garbajosa’s table and reportedly said, “If you don’t like meatballs, then try some Italian sausage, bitch,” before pulling down his pants and exposing his privates. Bargnani was promptly arrested for committing a lewd act, and is currently free on bail.

“We no longer represent only a city, but 8 provinces and 3 cities,” said Colangelo, who remains extremely optimistic despite subsequent nationalist tensions in the organization. “The Fighting Meatballs brand is a force to be reckoned with, on and off the court.”

Some within the organization believe the name change was necessary in order to generate enough revenue to cover Jason Kapono’s new 4 year, $24 million contract. Apparently, these employees do not believe that a white jump shooter can generate enough buzz to compensate for his contract on his own.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!