Racism more “Now” than sexism

BRISTOL, CT — In an unfortunate continuation of the internally popular segment “Who’s Now”, ESPN is extending the discussion from athletes to the more controversial aspects of modern American culture. During the most recent taping of the segment, host Stuart Scott reluctantly led a panel through the Prejudice Region of the Social Ills Bracket to determine what is more “Now”: racism or sexual discrimination. Scott, along with Battle of the Sexes tennis star Bobby Riggs, former sportscaster Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder, and star of “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” Daniel Radcliffe, attempted to debate just how hot racism and sexual discrimination are in American culture right now.

Jimmy the Greek led the discussion off in a seemingly logical fashion, attempting to clarify the meaning of ‘racism’ by way of example. Sadly, it would be only moments before the wheels came completely off the cart.

“Saying that the black is a better athlete is not racist, it’s simply true.”

Reiterating his theory about the breeding patterns of slave owners during the Civil War era, Jimmy the Greek proceeded to dig himself a hole nearly all the way to China by proclaiming that he, in fact, admired black people and wished he had a “black-sized penis.”

Enraged to the point of seriously considering murder-suicide, Stuart Scott quickly moved the discussion over to Bobby Riggs. Making Mr. Snyder look even-handed by comparison, Mr. Riggs pushed the discourse to an all-time low by implicitly comparing women to retarded people and, subsequently, objectifying said mentally challenged individuals.

“True, Billie Jean King beat me in my last ‘Battle of the Sexes’ match, but that doesn’t mean that she belongs outside of the kitchen. I’m sure we could find someone with Down Syndrome that’s pretty good at tennis too – doesn’t mean it should be allowed to play, right?”

Daniel Radcliffe, appearing approximately ten shades whiter than normal, did his best to quickly de-board the rambling crazy train holding him captive.

“Both racism and sexual discrimination are ignorant, hateful practices that should be abolished from the face of the earth,” Radcliffe shakily proclaimed, staring directly into the camera. “Please don’t boycott my new movie.”

Shortly after airing the segment, ESPN was informed by the Television Hall of Fame that they had just made history. This most recent “Who’s Now?” debacle cemented the segment’s place in the Hall for “Worst F&%king Idea Ever by a Network Executive.” A report that Daniel Radcliffe’s agent suffered a simultaneous, stress-induced stroke and heart attack could not be confirmed as of press time.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!