MLB still toying with All-Star format

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In 2003, Major League Baseball adopted the slogan “This Time It Counts” for the All-Star Game, after the previous year’s game resulted in a tie. Commissioner Bud Selig still has not forgotten the public relations nightmare that resulted from the 2002 game.

“Because of that game, we’re now constantly looking to improve our All-Star game, to make sure our fans know how important it is,” Selig said. “So this year our slogan will be ‘This Time It Really, Really Counts… For Real.’ Came up with that one myself.”

In addition to the winning league earning home-field advantage during the World Series, the MVP and winning pitcher from the game will be given four month’s worth of performance-enhancing drugs. Selig said that George Mitchell’s investigation has gone better than expected, and that the league recently confiscated an “unreal” amount of steroids and HGH.

“To give the fans a competitive game, we have to give the players something they really want,” Selig said. “And while I’m not promising that the players who win the PED’s will not be tested for drugs for the rest of the season, they will definitely know when they will be tested. Oh, and my lawyer told me to say the league doesn’t support drug use of any kind.”

In an unrelated story, MLB sources report that outfielder Barry Bonds plans on playing all nine innings of the game, and the Yankees are lobbying for Jason Giambi to be added to the roster. Mark McGwire is also expected to make a pinch-hit appearance.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!