Mickelson claims to be playing for second place

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — One week after missing the cut at this year’s Open Championship, a surprisingly calm Phil Mickelson took the opportunity to explain how he can so easily let his uninspired play go.

Surrounded by reporters just outside of a Bay Area bed and breakfast, Mickelson explained that those who play to win are “succumbing to the Great Lie” and that he has recently formed a homemade, zen-like approach to the game: always play for second place or lower.

“Nobody wins every event, so why go through the mental torture of playing to win. Its way too much pressure, pressure that – newsflash! – I don’t handle well. So I play for second place,” Lefty told SSNN. “It’s almost first so you’re as close as you can get to perfection, which is the human ideal, right? Plus, then if you totally blow it, like I just did, then it’s like, ‘So what? I wasn’t trying to win anyway.’ I bet it’s what Tiger does too, he just won’t admit it.”

Citing his recent study of Buddhism on, “the remarkably spiritual website Wikipedia.com,” Mickelson’s newfound inner peace has yet to yield results on the golf course. But, as he readily points out, that’s beside the point.

“Win, don’t win – who cares? That type of thinking takes me further away from shooting for second place. In fact, I’m looking to implement this philosophy in every area of my life. I was already eating seconds for every meal, so I guess you could say I’m ahead of the game.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!