Kitna vows lions will cure cancer

DETROIT, MI — If members of the media questioned John Kitna’s sanity when he vowed the Lions would win at least 10 games this upcoming season, the firestorm can only increase after Kitna’s latest assertions. The Lions have made a plethora of off-season moves; including drafting Calvin Johnson and trading for running back Tatum Bell, and these moves have fueled an intense optimism among Lions personnel.

In an interview with the Serious Sports News Network, Kitna vowed that the Detroit Lions will find a cure for cancer within the next year.

“The world has never seen a finer collection of talent and character than the 2007-08 Detroit Lions,” Kitna told SSNN. “Not only will our win total reach double digits, but we also intend to cure cancer.”

When pressed further on the issue, Kitna would not relent. “See, we almost cured cancer last year, but Mike Williams accidentally sat on the test tubes in the film room where the cure was being made. Now that we traded Mike to Oakland, there’s no stopping us. Likewise, we almost won all our games last season. If we had just scored more points and allowed less to the other team, we probably would have been undefeated.

“We aren’t really trained scientists or anything,” Kitna replied when asked how the Lions were able to come so close to a cure. “But we did stay at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night. Last year our team just didn’t have the right balance. We needed to make some adjustments before we could come up with our best work, but we made them this off-season.”

Kitna declined further comment on the issue, but sources within the Lions organization report that the project to cure cancer is on hiatus until assistant coach Joe Cullen can find his pants.