James suffering from paronychia

CLEVELAND, OH — As if being swept in the NBA Finals wasn’t bad enough for LeBron James, he is now suffering from a severe case of paronychia. James is known for his habit of biting his nails during games, and until now it was thought to be relatively harmless. Unfortunately for James and the Cavs, his incessant nail-biting has now triggered a bacterial infection of the skin surrounding the nail.

James was diagnosed with acute paronychia by Cleveland Cavaliers team doctors. He had committed to playing for the United States in the FIBA Americas Tournament (set to begin in late August) but this nail infection has jeopardized his status.

Team doctors report an abundance of swelling around James’ fingers, who has not appeared in public since taping the ESPY Awards three days prior to his diagnosis. He is reportedly working on a budding singing career at a recording studio owned by music mogul and fellow NBA player Ron Artest.

When notified of James’ status, US national team coach Mike Krzyzewski told reporters, “It’s unfortunate, but our team is bigger than one player. We have two players in JJ Redick and Jon Scheyer who are more than capable of filling in for LeBron.”

James is reportedly soaking his fingers in warm water up to five times daily, and using an assortment of anti-fungal creams as his representatives take a wait-and-see approach. Word from agent Maverick Carter is that James will pursue a hand transplant if he does not recover within the next month.