Gay asserts heterosexuality

BALTIMORE, MD — World class sprinter Tyson Gay has blazed his way onto the sporting scene with impressive performances in the 100 and 200 meter dashes, winning at such prestigious events as the USA Track and Field Championships.

Still, despite his impressive results, Gay has received more attention for his peculiar last name.

In a press conference held at the ESPN Zone in Baltimore, Gay publicly addressed his sexual orientation.

Gay stepped to the podium and began to read from a written statement: “Despite numerous reports of my homosexuality, the only thing gay about me is my last name. In fact, I love the ladies more than LL Cool J. I’m a sprinter. That’s why I shave my legs. One hundredth of a second could be the difference between a win and a loss, or perhaps even a world record. If shaving my legs could provide me with an edge, then it is something I am willing to do.”

When he opened the press conference for questions, Gay was immediately asked why he enjoyed watching Oprah.

“She has some really interesting shows, okay? Like that one about releasing your inner sexpot,” a visibly upset Gay replied. “Just because I shave my legs, watch Oprah, and have the last name Gay does not mean I am a homosexual. That’s it. No more questions.”

Though official papers have yet to be filed, Gay is expected to change his name within the month. Among the surnames being considered, according to a source in the Gay camp, are Straight, Manly, and Hasselhoff.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!