FBI to hide, protect Donaghy

NEW YORK, NY — The FBI announced today that NBA referee Tim Donaghy will receive around-the-clock protection in an undisclosed location, as a precaution after violent threats were issued by enraged NBA Commissioner David Stern.

Since the release of the news that Donaghy was being investigated for betting on and possibly affecting the outcome of NBA game, he has been receiving threatening calls from Stern – calls that the FBI claims are more twisted than those from even the most deviant members of the organized crime underworld.

According to a transcript leaked by a senior FBI official, Stern threatened to put Donaghy in a small room with well-known NBA loose cannons Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest, “without their meds,” subsequently claiming that he could put his foot so far up the ref’s backside that Donaghy, “would be able to taste it.”

“You’re not the only one who knows people, Timmy boy. This isn’t Goodell, this isn’t Selig – it’s Stern,” a strangely soft-spoken Stern said in the only other section of the transcript suitable for print. “And you’ve never had your ass kicked until you’ve had a Stern ass kicking. If you ever fuck with the NBA again, I’ll have your nuts in a jar.”

Well known for vigorously working to protect the integrity of the game, the Commissioner’s most recent flash of rage has reportedly earned him the nickname “Pablo,” after infamously savage Columbian drug lord Pablo Escobar. When asked for his thoughts on his new moniker, Stern was blunt.

“Give me a rusty butter knife and five minutes alone with whoever came up with that. We’ll see how funny it is then.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!