EXCLUSIVE: Jason Giambi/George Mitchell Transcript

In the wake of Jason Giambi’s much-ballyhooed meeting with steroid ‘investigator’ George Mitchell, SSNN was able to procure the following document – a partial transcript of the meeting; the only part, according to our unimpeachable inside source, that related even remotely to baseball, performance enhancing drugs, or in fact anything fact-based whatsoever. Mr. Mitchell and the Yankee slugger apparently spent the remainder of their two-hour session discussing Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason and its influence on the continental philosophers who followed, with particular focus on the oppositional works of Hegel and Nietzsche.

Mitchell: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me Jason. It’s nice to see a big star like yourself come forward to and try to help this unfortunate situation.

Giambi: Well George, um, I’m not sure if anyone told you this but I really didn’t have a choice.

Mitchell: What?!!? You didn’t want to talk to me either?

Giambi: F&$% no.

Mitchell: Why doesn’t anyone want to talk to me? Why doesn’t anyone like me? It’s because I’m too fat isn’t it? ISN’T IT JASON?!?!

Giambi: Come on George, don’t say that. You’re fine just the way you are. Remember, it’s not who you are on the outside, it’s who you are on the inside that matters.

Mitchell: Don’t give me the fat girl speech because it’s not going to work. Everywhere I go people look at me like I have Gary Coleman sitting on my face or something; or they look the other way. Can you please, please give me something about steroids in MLB Jason? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Giambi: Whoa there George. My lawyers made it very clear that the word ’steroids’ couldn’t be used in this interview.

Mitchell: What about HGH?

Giambi: Nope. I think you’re missing the point here George. I’m only talking to you so that everyone knows that I talked to you. It’s a big win for Bud and the media thinks he’s actually making progress here.

Mitchell: So what you’re saying is we’re not going to talk about anything today?

Giambi: I’m not saying that at all. We can talk about anything you want to George, as long as it has absolutely nothing to do with performance-enhancing drugs or any major league ballplayer besides myself. Oh and don’t mind Antonio here, he’s just giving me my daily B-12 shot like he always does. Just look the other way George, everyone else does; nobody will ever know the difference.

Mitchell: Okay, but I don’t feel right about this whole thing. I feel like there is something that I should ask you to put in my report. You got any ideas?

Giambi: How about you pick some random Latin player in the Yankees farm system and tell everyone that he failed a drug test after I told you that he was using some of that ’stuff’ you wanted to know about. That way, I look like a hero and you look like you’re cleaning up the game. It’s a win-win.

Mitchell: That’s fantastic! Oh, Mr. Giambi, how can I possibly repay you?

Giambi: We’ll get to that later, but for now, just make sure you keep doing whatever it is you’re doing with that money, and don’t go spending it some trumped up steroid investigation. You’re doing great things for baseball; at this rate, nothing at all will change.