Celtics explore trade possibilities

BOSTON, MA — Boston Celtics General Manager Danny Ainge is getting a bit squirrelly.

Ever since the Celtics’ worst-case scenario played itself out before his beady, vacant eyes at the 2007 NBA Lottery, Ainge has been in a panic to figure out some way to make the team competitive in the relatively weak Eastern Conference. Factor in disgruntled star forward Paul Pierce and it’s easy to see why the terror alert level in Boston is firmly in the red.

“What does the 5th pick in the draft mean to me? A sloppy [poop] sandwich on a flimsy paper plate, that’s what. It’s almost as if the Gods decided that good ol’ Danny-boy needs to go on a permanent vacation. But when you have powerful, mystic forces working against you, the only thing to do is to pull off a blockbuster trade and beat those sons-a-bitches back with a stick. I’m going to get me some prime rib for this [poop] sandwich, and McHale is gonna give it to me.”

Following up on Ainge’s comments, a spokesman for the team wiped the spittle off of the GM’s chin and clarified his frantic ramblings – the Celtics have been in talks with Minnesota Timberwolves’ General Manager Kevin McHale in an attempt to make a deal to acquire superstar Kevin Garnett.

Despite Ainge and McHale’s history as Celtics teammates, things don’t seem to be going particularly well. According to reports, a few of the trade packages that Ainge has offered have been unconventional, bordering on strange. In the most recent proposal, the Celtics would get Garnett in exchange for Gerald Green, coach Doc Rivers and a pair of tickets to see local Boston indie band the Sweatpant Boners.

When McHale declined the offer, Ainge attempted to sweeten the deal by sliding a handmade coupon for a back massage across the table. Perhaps most strangely, Ainge’s bizarre offer did not surprise McHale at all.

“Bird and I used to call him Danny StrAinge when we all played for the Celtics. You should have seen some of the crap he pulled in the locker room. I’m just grateful he didn’t have to take a dump during our last meeting… he can be pretty aggressive with his own feces.”

Talks have stalled for the foreseeable future, though not due to Ainge’s feces fetish, as some reports have speculated. Rather it was McHale’s sense of fair play that was offended when Ainge attempted to sway the Timberwolves’ GM by utilizing insider information.

According to sources familiar with the talks, Ainge outed McHale for loving the music of Olivia Newton John by offering him an originally signed copy of her album “Totally Hot.” The obviously red-faced McHale reluctantly passed, citing his displeasure at being offered a keepsake that was obviously from the Celtics GM’s personal collection.

At press time, rumors have been swirling that the Celtics are ready to move in another direction: trading Delonte West, Wally Szczerbiack and 2007 #5 Jeff Green to the Seattle Supersonics for oft-injured 31-year-old shooting guard Ray Allen. When asked to comment, Kevin McHale told SSNN that “StrAinge is crazy, but he can’t be that crazy.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!