Brewers forced to make change

MILWAUKEE, IL — Pressure from concerned parents and activist organizations have forced the Milwaukee Brewers to change their team name, because of the influence it may have on the youngest of fans. The team adopted the name upon their inception in 1970, and it was meant as a tribute to the city’s long, distinguished history of breweries. In recent weeks, though, the name has drawn ire from protesters due to the inevitable connection to alcohol and what that means to the youth of Milwaukee. “It’s a shame that we still have to live in a country where the teams children look up to only care about beer and money,” said protester Ivanna B. Seene outside Miller Park. “We have to think about the children, and how this horrible name influences their decisions in life. No longer will our children look up to this ‘devil juice’ team; from this day on we’ll choose a name that is more suitable to future generations of baseball fans.” Brewers officials have organized an online competition between names the team could possibly adopt. Fans will choose from one of five child-appropriate nicknames: Marshmallows, Candy Canes, Ponies, Toys and Big Birds.