Zambrano to eat own fingers

CHICAGO, IL — Upon reading a Wikipedia entry about Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, who pitched for the Cubs in the early part of the 20th century, Carlos Zambrano is now planning to eat two of his own fingers.

“I’m pretty nasty now, even with five fingers,” Zambrano said. “Think about how nasty I’d be with only three.”

Brown was a switch-hitting right handed pitcher, just like Zambrano; and ended his careed with an ERA of just over 2.00 and a number of 20-win seasons. Zambrano came across Brown’s page while chatting online with his brother in Venezuela.

“We gotta win a championship, and I’m willing to do what it takes to do that. Not since 1908 – when Mordecai was still on the team – have we won a championiship,” Zambrano said. “That’s too long, man.”

There was no word as to which two fingers Zambrano is thinking about biting off, nor was there information provided as to when the event might take place.

“Big Z is a Wiki addict,” said Cubs manager Lou Piniella. “I wouldn’t put too much stock in it. Almost every day he’s got some new, Wiki-inspired scheme. You know that anyone can post to that site, right?”

Zambrano gave no indication as to why he chose to eat the fingers instead of, say, having them sawed off.

“I’m just gonna do it,” Zambrano said. “Not too much thought, drama. Just do it.

“Say goodbye to my fingers, because they’re gone.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!