Wie’s “ambiguous genitals” cause, clear up confusion

HONOLULU, HI — An anonymous source close to golf prodigy Michelle Wie recently reported to SSNN that the reason behind many of her perplexing actions is the result of a fog of confusion brought on by the fact that (s)he has “ambiguous genitals.”

According to Wie’s personal physician, Dr. Makaio Lopaka, Miss-ter Wie was born with both men’s and women’s genitalia.

“Michelle has a penis and a vagina, both of which are fully functional. This dual genital-ship leaves one’s gender open to interpretation, which can lead to identity issues and a host of other emotional problems. I’m no psychologist, but I would imagine that carrying around both the hotdog and bun might be a bit of a mind[expletive deleted].

“Her, uhh…His, er… the hermaphroditic condition that Michelle was born with is highly unusual, though not unprecedented in the sports world. This might not be much of a surprise, but Martina Navratilova has a dick, too.”

Wie’s dual genderhood not only lays to rest any questions as to whether (s)he belongs in both the men’s and women’s professional golf tours, it also sheds new light on some of the strange incidents (s)he’s been involved in. Most recently, Wie’s early departure in the first round of the Ginn Tribute due to a sore wrist had many speculating that (s)he was attempting to sidestep an obscure rule stating that any player shooting over an 88 would be banned from LPGA events for the remainder of the year.

Wie had shot a 14-over-par 86 through 16 holes at the time she abruptly pulled out (a method widely considered ineffective). LPGA star and Ginn hostess Annika Sorenstam initially took exception to Wie’s early withdrawal, but was more understanding once the news of her gas pump/gas tank condition surfaced.

“Michelle came up to me and said that she had kind of screwed herself during the round. I originally thought she was just a bit loose with the language, but I guess she – or should I say he? – was just being honest.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!