Torre to star in fourth LOTR flick

HOLLYWOOD, CA — According to sources close to Lord of the Rings trilogy director Peter Jackson, a fourth film is in the works and will star none other than New York Yankees’ skipper Joe Torre.

According to this source, the fourth installment of the popular series will center around the greedy, corrupted Gollum (a.k.a. Smeagol) a decrepit creature with which Torre shares a number of similarities. In a written statement prepared exclusively for SSNN, Jackson explained his choice for the leading man.

“Both Torre’s and Gollum’s descent into physical and emotional ruin were the result of one thing and one thing only: coveting ‘The Precious.’ Ever since 2000, Joe has been scheming his way to another World Series ring, with Jeter being as his Frodo and perhaps Giambi as Sam… you know, since he’s the fat one and his ‘roid-driven temper could probably pass for Sam’s pure passion.”

The seed for the idea was reportedly planted after a Boston Red Sox/Lord of the Rings fan made a crack about Torre’s recent physical transformation from average-looking older gentleman to fantasy creature doppelganger. Intrigued but unable to understand the joke, the famous director embarked on weeks of research, ultimately realizing that not only were the physical similarities striking, but the two beings’ life-journeys paralleled each other as well.

Early treatments of the film’s plotline have Gollum and his cousin Balki rising up through the ranks of their culture’s favorite pastime, Blazebol. Once they reach “The Shoh,” they cheat and scheme their way to the championship, a best-of-seven-game contest called the “Whirled Seereez.” Jackson conceded that the film will be expensive and time-consuming, but emphasized that the cost of the project in terms of makeup and special effects were drastically reduced once Torre signed on.

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has reportedly agreed to let Torre out of his current contract if he can arrange for Gandalf to manage the team in his stead.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!