Thousands dead in Utah, San Antonio

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Authorities in two major American cities revealed what appears to be a mass suicide on Thursday. More than 2,000 deaths were reported in San Antonio and Salt Lake City on Wednesday between 8:30 and 11 PM CST. San Antonio Police Chief William McManus said that all of the deaths occurred during or within five minutes after Game 5 of the Spurs-Jazz Western Conference finals series. From the notes found, it seems the cause was ugly basketball. “I guess only people in San Antonio and Salt Lake were watching this series – which is good, because a lot more people could have died,” McManus said. “You can’t really expect someone to watch five games between those two basketball teams and not eventually kill themselves. We’re just glad this thing didn’t go seven.” McManus said that he has contacted officials in both Cleveland and Detroit about another possible mass suicide during the NBA Finals. After all, the Spurs will only become more unwatchable during the week-long break before the finals. “You just can’t expose a large group of people to Spurs basketball; it’s inhumane. And when you mix Utah into that equation – let alone Detroit or Cleveland – you’re just asking for trouble.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!