Tank accomplishes goal faster than expected

CHICAGO, IL — The Chicago Bears waived troubled defenseman Terry “Tank” Johnson Monday after he had yet another run-in with police in Arizona early Saturday morning. Authorities suspected Tank was under the influence and were contemplating whether to charge him with a DUI or other offense. League commissioner Roger Goodell had already suspended Johnson for the first eight games of the season, and many believe this latest slip-up could lead to additional penalties. However, after Goodell addressed the media Tuesday afternoon it became clear that further punishment was not in order. “Despite what many people think, Tank made it clear when we suspended him that he hoped to one day become the face of the NFL,” read a statement released Wednesday by the first-year commissioner said. “So now that it looks like Pacman Jones is going to prison, Tank is the face of the new NFL, and will be touring the nation representing the league. He’ll be making guest appearances at juvenile detention facilities where we hope to find the next generation of the great NFL players. It’s an exciting time for Tank and the NFL.” Cook County officials were nice enough to donate Tank’s orange prison jump-suit to the league so that he will able to wear it during public speaking engagements. Regarding his contractual situation, Tank assured SSNN that he will wait for a team in the playoff hunt to ignore his indiscretions and sign him to a multi-year deal.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!