Stanley Cup to go under knife

ANAHEIM, CA — The Stanley Cup trophy has been in California for only a few weeks; but that was enough time for it to realize that it wants to get some work done. Cup handlers say the trophy has been feeling bad about itself ever since it’s arrival in LA. According to a source close to the Cup, it is suddenly feeling it’s age and wants to get a face lift, in addition to “possibly trimming some excess material off.” Los Angeles residents are understandably excited about the Cup’s vanity, given the community’s love for reconstructive surgery. One woman, who asked to remain anonymous, told SSNN, “I’m glad the Cup is taking care of it’s appearance. Like, I get a new face every 2 years, you know?!?!” The United States Hockey Association will be responsible for making the changes. Spokesman Thomas Swindell told SSNN that the organization is “probably going to have all references to Canada removed. Sure, it’s their sport – but as long as we keep winning it, why not make some improvements? It will just further prove our dominance over that ridiculous country.” Canada could not be reached for comment, as its citizens were waiting patiently in a 6-month-long line for free health care.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!