James files harassment suit

CLEVELAND, OH — Immediately after the Cleveland Cavaliers loss to the San Antonio Spurs Thursday night, Cavs superstar LeBron James filed sexual harassment charges against Spurs forward Bruce Bowen. The suit contends Bowen touched James inappropriately throughout the series, and that NBA referees did absolutely nothing to stop it. “The guy had his hands all over me – I told him to stop, but he just wouldn’t,” James said after leaving the Cleveland Police Department. “Everywhere I went, there was Bruce throwing his body at me and embarrassing me in front of my biggest fans. He even tried to make it look like I was the one pushing him around. No means no, you know?” Because of the extreme nature of the crime, details were not made available to the media. However, a source close to the investigation reported that after questioning the many “witnesses,” police walked away with a different perspective than that of James. “One witness told us that LeBron looked like he was choking at several points and didn’t seem able to do much out on the court because of Mr. Bowen,” Cleveland Police Chief Andrew Walker said. “That being said, the same witness told police James did virtually nothing to stop Bowen, so that will have to be a factor in this investigation.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!