Hurricane ranking scale to use NFL players

MIAMI, FL — SSNN has learned that the National Hurricane Center, a division of the National Weather Service, will announce later today that it is changing its ratings system from the long-used Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale to a brand new system, the Psychos of the NFL Scale.

Under the new system, the five categories of the old model will be replaced with semi-professional criminals of analogous destructive power who, at one point or another, played in the NFL. The NHC’s Director of Rankings, Elton Nino, explained the change.

“It’s boring as hell to work here most of the time, and when it’s not all the action is doom and gloom stuff – we had to do something to spice it up. Then Tommy from the mail room is sitting on the can reading The Sports Guy, and it just comes to him: the Psychos of the NFL Scale. I mean, if Jessica Alba can get on SportsCenter, why can’t we?”

Once Tommy had wiped himself properly, he went pitched the idea to Mr. Nino, who became immediately enthusiastic. Several hours and a twelve-pack of Miller Lite later, they came up with the following scale:

Category 1 – Michael Vick
Category 2 – Tank Johnson
Category 3 – Chris Henry
Category 4 – O.J. Simpson
Category 5 – Pacman Jones

Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones was reportedly the obvious choice to serve in the Category 5 slot, the most destructive and violent of storms. His recent involvement in a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club, in addition to the myriad of past crimes and accusations, helped Jones to easily satisfy the singular criterion used in making the decision: being a total lunatic.

“Pacman is just a total f@$!ing psycho. I bet he’d win in a fight with a rabid wolverine. And after the whole ‘making it rain’ thing came out, well… it’s no contest. Sure, O.J. killed a couple people, but Pacman is only 23. He’s got plenty of time to rub out a few guys before it’s all said and done.”

As of press time, neither the Ray Lewis nor the Lawrence Taylor camps had issued an official statement, but both “bad boys” were said to be disappointed in the NHC’s selections.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!