Goodell hands out another suspension

LOS ANGELES, CA — Since Roger Goodell took over as Commissioner of the NFL, players involved in off-the-field incidents have been punished quickly and harshly. Goodell continued the trend Monday morning by suspending Paris Hilton for the first 8 games of the NFL season. The suspension comes as a result of Hilton’s numerous conflicts with the law over the past couple of months. Hilton had just begun serving her court-mandated two months of jail time upon the announcement of the suspension, and made it known she would not be appealing the commissioner’s decision. “I spoke with Roger at his home office in New York last week and we worked everything out,” the mega-star said. “He just felt that since I’ve banged almost every player in the NFL besides Kyle Orton – what a creep – I am a part of this league and need to represent it in a more professional manner. Eight games is tough, but I think I’ll come back with a vengeance. Put your helmets on, boys.” The suspension is the first of its kind for Hilton, though she did compare it to her two-month absence in 2005 during a battle with chlamydia.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!