Federal agents respond to US Cellular bomb threat

CHICAGO, IL — Nearly 100 FBI agents surrounded U.S. Cellular Field in Chicago Friday morning in response to a bomb threat the agency received some time last week. Upon arrival at the scene, agents kicked down doors and stormed the stadium in hopes of preventing the bomb from exploding. Agents were unable to find explosive materials, but did discover a number of clues in White Sox GM Kenny William’s office that indicated something may happen sooner rather than later. “All indications are pointing to Kenny Williams being behind the bomb threat,” FBI agent Jerry Noonan said. “Seems like he’s been going through a very difficult time at work and thought blowing the whole thing up would solve all of his problems. We didn’t find a bomb today, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. I’ve got a bad feeling about this one.” Sources revealed to SSNN that Williams planned to blow up the entire team in the very near future. The most troubling part of the ordeal is that Williams is nowhere to be found, and authorities believe he is still planning on taking some terrible action towards the team in the upcoming weeks. The date July 31 was scribbled on virtually every surface in the office in what appeared to be blood, leading to speculation that the cataclysmic event will take place before August.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!