Clemens conspiracy uncovered

CHICAGO, IL — The New York Yankees pulled Roger Clemens – or perhaps more accurately Clemens pulled himself – from last night’s proposed first start against the Chicago White Sox, reportedly because of a “fatigued groin.” But an SSNN investigation has discovered that this may have been a cover-up.

A source close to Clemens told SSNN that the veteran right-hander has experienced no groin problems, and that the delay is instead a reaction to Clemens feeling that there is a lack of attention being given to his MLB return.

“I get paid thousands of dollars to be close to Roger’s groin, and I promise you there is nothing wrong with it,” the source said. “Sure, it’s been kind of sweaty lately, but that’s just because he’s been working out more. His groin doesn’t look a day over 24 years old – let alone 44.”

The source went on to say that they believe Clemens is delaying his return because of a number of other sports figures receiving more attention than him. The pitcher apparently is most worried that LeBron James’ first NBA Finals appearance will overshadow his return to the majors, so he may not pitch until the end of June.

The source also said that Clemens was keeping a close eye on the French Open and the Stanley Cup Finals, just in case people started talking about them instead of him. Rumors have the future hall-of-famer contemplating suicide if either of those events draw better ratings than his return.

“That Braves minor-league manager really put him over the edge,” the source said. “That guy made just about every local newscast and he’s been all over the Internet. Not to give too much away, but Roger was planning a very similar meltdown for the end of the season when– er, I mean if the Yankees don’t make the playoffs. He was crushed when he saw that footage.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!