Bettman moving for major changes

CHICAGO, IL — NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman – known for spending each night in a new bed – was spotted at an MLS game in Chicago last week. There, with a glass of merlot, Bettman was overheard saying, “I think we need to expand again – or at least move some franchises. Futbol is dominating American culture, and I think that’s why our league [the NHL] is struggling. My hope is to start with the original six; they’ve been sedentary for far too long.” In the wake of the commissioner’s comments, the NHL has announced that it is focusing off-season efforts on the relocation of teams who have “won enough Stanley Cups in their current location.” The Detroit Red Wings will break ice next season in Biloxi, Mississippi, while the Chicago Blackhawks set to relocate to Charleston, South Carolina and change their name to the Boarded Windows (B-Dubs, for short). This move will provide a natural rival for the Hurricanes from the North. In a related story, Bettman is holding an owners’ meeting next weekend to further discuss two other proposed changes – elimination of leg pads for goalies and the return of the laser puck.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!