Yankees acquire mound help

NEW YORK, NY — Chien-Ming Wang wasn’t the answer; neither was Phillip Hughes. Now the New York Yankees are hoping Chicago Bandits softball pitcher Jennie Finch will provide what their highly-touted prospects couldn’t. Finch has won gold medals for the U.S. Olympic softball teams and is regarded by many as the best pitcher in the game.

“We made sure Jennie realized how desperate we are to have her,” said Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman. “Her skill set will have a huge impact on the success of our ball club. She brings a new meaning to the term ’submarine’ pitcher – it’s going to take major league hitters some time to adjust to her style.”

The change will also require an adjustment period for Finch, considering the differences between the rules of softball and baseball. For example, Finch will now be pitching from 60′6″ away from home plate; an increase of nearly seventeen feet from where she stood in softball. Experts believe this alteration may decrease the effectiveness of her fastball, the pitch that has allowed her to become so dominant over the years. “I told Mr. Cashman that I’m not sure I can pitch in the major leagues because my game is designed for the softball field,” said the 2004 Olympic gold medalist. “But every time I said no, he just offered more money. I mean, we’re talking A-Rod money here. I couldn’t turn it down, but let’s just say I’m not making any promises.” Despite Finch’s lack of confidence, current Yankees are ecstatic to have her aboard. “I personally plan on making her feel as comfortable as possible when she gets to New York,” said team captain Derek Jeter. “I’m thinking some wine and a candlelit dinner with a little trip to pleasure town for desert. You know how D to the J rolls.” The deal will become official once Finch passes a physical; Jeter’s request to perform said examination was denied.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!