Williams confused, out until September

MIAMI, FL — A source with the NFL has informed SSNN that Ricky Williams failed a drug test in April, and will now not be eligible to apply for reinstatement until September. [Ed. Note: Let's be totally honest – that part we read on ESPN.] Williams has not played in the NFL since 2005 because of various positive drug tests for marijuana. He spent last year with the Canadian Football League’s Toronto Argonauts. “In early April my agent told me I had a drug test at the end of the month, so I should be prepared,” Williams explained to SSNN in a phone interview. “To get ready, I woke-and-baked every day for two weeks. I was a little confused – I didn’t realize they would test to see if I had done drugs, I thought they were going to give me drugs and see how I reacted to them.” Williams’ agent, Tommy Chong, says he will attempt to keep his client clean for the next couple of months. “We’re just going to do things that aren’t any fun when you’re high,” Chong said. “We’re going to watch a lot of TV, play a lot of video games, stuff like that. If that doesn’t work, I’ve got two words for you – White Castle. He’ll be clean alright, I guarantee it.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!