Warriors suspend Davis for Game 5

OAKLAND, CA — The Golden State Warriors announced Monday that star guard Baron Davis has been suspended for Game 5 of the team’s playoff series against the Utah Jazz. Warriors’ management said the suspension is a result of conduct detrimental to the team, but refused to elaborate on precisely what David. An investigation by SSNN has discovered that it is a result of Davis’ February surgery. Despite widely publicized reports, Davis apparently did not have knee surgery, but rather plastic surgery. The investigation discovered that Davis missed most of February after having his remarkably thick, full and manly beard surgically attached. A source within the Warriors organization said that the team became aware of the real reason for the surgery this weekend, and felt they had no choice but to suspend the star guard before the news came out to the public. “Don’t get me wrong, everyone agrees that the beard looks great,” the source – who specifically asked to be referred to as “the source” – said. “This is about setting a precedent. Cosmetic surgery should be done in the off-season, and is simply never an excuse to miss regular season games.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!