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News Item

Walton headed for Congress

WASHINGTON D.C. — An unusual request – from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky – sent former UCLA superstar and current NBA commentator Bill Walton straight to Washington, D.C. early Tuesday morning.

The senator is attempting to stop a bill that would set a deadline for withdrawal from Iraq – it is currently making its way through the Senate. Hoping to help his cause, McConnell has called upon the services of Walton to act as a filibusterer and feels confident he chose the right man for the job.

“We’ve been threatening to use the filibuster for quite some time now, but nobody has been particularly good at it since Strom Thurmond passed away,” McConnell said. “Then I was watching an NBA game a week or so ago, and Bill Walton just happened to be providing the commentary that night. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about, and the next thing I knew the game was over and I was watching reruns of Night Court. Somehow he just sucks you in and talks you into a daze. He’s definitely our guy.”

Walton has made a name for himself as a “hate him or love him” character in sports broadcasting, but never thought about entering the realm of politics until Mc Connell convinced him it was right up his alley.

“When the stars and the moon align in a certain way, the best things come out in people. It makes you realize that deep down in the caverns of your immortal soul, life can only lay down a large track of roads for you, and my friends like Jerry Garcia made me realize I was the driver on the long road of my own life, and…”

Unfortunately, Walton’s mesmerized our typist with his flowery prose and we’re left with no further transcript of his thoughts. While it may not be official, SSNN investigators are near-certain that Walton is looking forward to the opportunity and is confident he can hold the entire U.S. Congress enthralled for days at a time.

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Labels: Bill Walton, Iraq, Mitch McConnell, NBA, politics, US Congress, US Government

Posted on May 1st, 2007

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Other Related News Items

• Walton booked for distribution (February 23, 2007)
• Walton hospitalized following overdose on psychedelic albums (July 1, 2008)
• Lucifer disgusted by Belichick’s soul, plans to sell it (March 11, 2008)
• Sarah Palin eats Scott Boras’s soul, becomes nicer (September 4, 2008)

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