Sweet Lou quits, blames curse

SAN DIEGO, CA — Though Lou Piniella’s post-game press conference Wenesday night saw a frustrated, unhappy coach seem to struggle for answers to his team’s woes, nobody expected the first-year Cubs manager to up and leave. Yet that is exactly what seems to have happened, as players arrived at Petco Park in San Diego to an empty clubhouse with nothing left of Lou but a note.

“Yeah, it was a shock at first,” said Cubs reliever Angel Guzman. “When you start to think about it, though… let’s just say I’m not that surprised. I mean having Dempster mentor me into the closer’s job? Lou was clearly at his wit’s end.”

In his note, Piniella did not disclose his destination and failed to leave any contact information, so he could not be reached for comment. SSNN investigators did, however, acquire a copy of the letter itself.

“When I arrived in Chicago, I had real visions of turning this thing around. I talked about Cubby swagger and I meant it. But having managed here for nearly two full months, it is clear to me that there is simply no hope for this team,” Sweet Lou wrote. “I truly believe there is a terrible curse on this ballclub. Never in my dozens of years in this wonderful game have I seen players who seem to be good play so poorly. May God save this franchise, because I certainly can not.”

Players were understandably disturbed by the note, which went on to name a number of them as particularly responsible for breaking their manager. He added special emphasis to GM Jim Hendry as a culprit, yet Hendry seemed to take the sudden retirement in stride.

“I’m disappointed, but all I can do is move forward,” he told reporters at an impromptu press conference. “Since he is the longest-tenured member of the coaching staff, Larry Rothschild will be taking over as manager, effective immediately.”

For his part, Rothschild was thrilled about the promotion.

“I’ve been waiting for this an awfully long time,” the former pitching coach said. “Finally, after all these years of grooming the Cubs’ young pitching talent to succeed, I’ll have the chance to make the calls that help those pitchers win. I plan to have Kerry Wood on the mound by the end of May – he may not have finished his rehab completely, but he’s a tough kid and I see him being a workhorse for us.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!