St. Louis celebrates arrival of Majerus

ST. LOUIS, MO — St. Louis University celebrated the arrival of new Billikens’ head coach Rick Majerus with a parade through downtown St. Louis on Thursday.

Majerus signed a 6-year contract on Monday, and the school – which has not been a part of March Madness since 2000 – hopes that he will bring some respectability to the basketball squad. The parade was organized by SLAR, St. Louis Area Restaurants.

“Needless to say, our organization is ecstatic about Mr. Majerus’ arrival,” said SLAR president, Dave Thomas. “We are looking at a possible 10-15 percent growth in the food industry based solely on his dinners. If there’s any way that the school could somehow start up a football program and bring in [University of Kansas head football coach] Mark Mangino, I would be able to retire in two years.”

Thomas added that the parade would not have been possible without a significant contribution from Dr. Janet Winkelmann. Though unavailable for comment, she released a statement on Tuesday afternoon.

“As St. Louis’ leading gastric bypass surgeon, I just want to welcome Mr. Majerus to town,” the statement read. “This couldn’t come at a better time for me. My daughter is a senior in high school, and with Rick’s arrival I expect to be able to afford to send her to a private university – perhaps SLU – rather than some lame public school.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!